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16 September 2020

Sketch: The rule of six - some guidance from your government

From Monday 14 September, people in England will be banned from being part of social gatherings of more than six people. Please be aware that this is a 'rule' and not a 'law' - as we all know, laws can be broken, whereas rules must be obeyed.

Remember that while the virus can count - you don't. It is very important not to think too much about keeping yourself and the people you care about safe - we certainly don't!

Just concentrate on following the very simple and clear rules that we have set out for you. Although they are only rules, they have the force of law, and unless you follow them you may be fined and even arrested.

Young people

This is a very worrying time for young people. We would like to reassure them that there is no reason to obey the rule of six while at school. Similarly, the wearing of masks and social distancing are not necessary from the time you get on the school bus in the morning until the time you get off on the way home.

Other than that, you must comply with the new rule. It may be helpful to think of it as a law that can be broken in limited and specific ways that suit us, your government.

Young people have an extra responsibility to obey the rule of six in any setting, indoors or out, where fun might be involved. As a guideline, if you aren't at school or work, then any breach of the rule will probably kill your gran. If you are in a classroom, a school corridor, or serving drinks or food to people richer than you are, there is nothing to worry about.


Older people of working age should think about the new rules in a similar way. If you are required to gather in groups of more than six by someone more important than you - your employer, for instance - then it will be perfectly safe. In the same way, using overcrowded public transport or queueing for fast food as part of your normal working day is perfectly safe.

While you are on your own time, however, you must limit your social interactions to groups of six or less. To assist you in complying with these requirements we have created a new criminal offence of 'mingling', the details of which will be explained in due course. Feel free to inform on anyone you suspect of illegal mingling by dialling 101.

Exit strategy

Please be assured that some of the finest financial minds in Britain are working round the clock on this crisis. It will not last forever. When it comes to spending public money to incentivise the private sector to come up with new ways of dealing with this public health emergency - the sky is literally the limit.

We are not just talking about the old, boring technologies and public agencies that have been shown to work, but innovative new providers and technologies that do not yet exist. We have plans to unveil a viable time-travel technology in March 2021 which will allow us to offer a vaccine in late 2019, under licence from a private corporation that will make trillions and generate a world-beating UK corporation, albeit one registered in Belize.

In the meantime: shut up, do as you're told, and think of England.

Thanks to Dave Murray, Essex Socialist Party